Helping a Friend

Girl Sad Crying Raining Rain Drops Window

When you’ve got a friend that has had a miscarriage there is a lot you can do to help her. Many times we are afraid to say anything because we don’t want to say the wrong thing but not saying anything at all can be just as bad. So what should you say and what shouldn’t you say. I have had three miscarriages myself and have heard a great deal of things that were just not the perfect things to say. I have put together a list of items you can say and things you probably should not. Things you should say.

Do call her and tell her you are sorry for her loss.
Do send her a card or flowers to show you care
Do let her talk as much as she wants to or wants to.
Do offer to assist with housework, babysitting or other things that she might not feel up to doing.
Do acknowledge her baby.
It’s okay to say I don’t know what to say I don’t know how to help. Do call and check up on her. The pain doesn’t go away in a couple days. She wants to feel like other people care about what she is experiencing.
Do ask if she would like to discuss it.
Things you should not say.

At least it happened early in the pregnancy until you actually got attached.
It was God’s will
I understand how you feel. Even if you have had more than one miscarriage, you may not know how she’s feeling.
It was just one miscarriage.
I know a friend that had such and such miscarriages and she has kids now.
It was nature’s way of getting rid of defective chromosomes.
At least you’ve got one child
I don’t know why you’re so upset.
Perhaps you should consider adoption, not having kids.
Do not not talk about it. Do not avoid her.
Don’t attempt to cheer her up. She probably doesn’t want to be cheered up and in doing this you are not acknowledging her pain.
It may be hard for her to be around children or pregnant women. But do not avoid being around her if you’re pregnant or have children.

Do share your experience but this isn’t the time to go on about how bad things were for you. She needs your support.

If she does get pregnant again, do not dismiss her anxiety by saying things like lots of women have spotting, cramping, etc.. Be optimistic but acknowledge her fears.


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